Creating Healthy Relationships
It’s the end of a long workday…
… but you are dreading going home to your partner.
You love them so much, but recently it’s just been so hard to connect without disagreement. Sometimes it’s easier to avoid them, and you find yourself not wanting to go home or just checking out when you get home already, assuming they are upset. You don’t want to live like this, but you have tried everything and don’t know how to change.
Let’s face it, relationships can be some of the most challenging, difficult, and greatest teachers that propel us toward growth, change, and transformation.
When we grow up with parents who have unhealthy patterns, we unconsciously learn how to deal with or express anger, fear, and happiness. We learn how to fight and communicate – and even be in a relationship. Sometimes, our instinct of being in a relationship does not align with what we really want.
If we experience any abuse physically, mentally, or emotionally in childhood or relationships afterward, we can come away from those experiences with mixed messages about love.
We may come to beliefs such as love = pain. Obviously, with this belief, it isn’t easy to connect and let people get close.
If we are in relationships or learn from our parents that they are there one minute and gone the next, we may learn to fear people leaving and constantly wonder if we are good enough for them to stay. This can lead to mixed messages toward our partners, where they may feel we are constantly seeking validation and asking them for more, more, more.
None of these patterns or habits are “bad.”
They are all attempts to protect ourselves or to find love, safety, and belonging. This can look like:
Constantly wondering if someone loves you or if you are enough
Wanting connection, but then finding yourself avoiding or even pushing away your partner
Not feeling your emotions or knowing how to express them
Expressing anger and criticism instead of taking responsibility
Feeling scared of deeper connections
Focusing on your partner so much that you lose sight of yourself
Not giving relationships a real chance
If your relationship is stagnating and you have tried everything, or on the flip side, you have tried dating and cannot find someone, I can help. I help people identify patterns and beliefs that need to change for us to grow and help change those patterns into something that fits our goals better.
Unhealthy relationships leave problematic patterns, beliefs, and baggage.
And all these things keep us from fulfilling the connections we crave.
In relationships, we may have adopted the pattern as a child as the “fixer.” Every time our girlfriend has a problem – we take it personally to start with and run in to fix it for her without asking a single question about what she wants or how she feels. When she looks upset, we take it as still not doing enough and push her harder; unfortunately, this pushes her away.
If we have experienced the abandonment of a parent in any way, we may unconsciously hold the belief that “people will abandon me.” While dating, we may mistake someone canceling a date because of an illness as abandonment and dump them unceremoniously before they can hurt us. This is a great way to protect ourselves but doesn’t allow us the meaningful relationships we crave.
We may even carry over the baggage of past relationships. We may have ended a marriage where an ex treated us poorly. Now, with our new partner, we are just waiting for them to treat us poorly. We may be so on edge that we accuse them of poor intent, even when there isn’t any. Still, these repeated perceived assaults push both of you farther apart for no good reason.
Life is too short not to enjoy love and relationships fully.
It is easy to continue in your old relationship patterns, waiting for things to improve naturally. With movies and social media portraying effortless vacations, amazing honeymoons, vacations, and friends and family dinners, it’s easy to get caught thinking relationships are just easy and should bring contentment, love, and enjoyment.
The truth is relationships are like anything in life; to have a good career, house, hobby, or relationship takes a lot of work. Stanley Tatkin, the founder of PACT, a relationship modality, proposes your relationship has to be a priority.
It’s easy to get comfortable, take your partner for granted, and expect them to do more constantly. We may find ourselves resentful and bitter about why our partner isn’t doing enough when sometimes the truth is when we look in the mirror and see that angry person, it isn’t all that pretty either. Sometimes, it takes us doing different things and learning the tools for the job. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood or marriage (as long as both parties are willing).
If you’re not careful, years can pass you by without your even noticing. You’ll look back and wonder where all that time went and why you didn’t make a change.
Now is the time to step into a healthy relationship.
What if you could step into the loving relationships you desire right now? How would life change or be different?
Here’s how therapy can help…
You will identify and understand your attachment style (and possibly that of your partner). Attachment is how we connect to our partner, kids, friends, coworkers… and even ourselves. There are three main types of attachment: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Understanding how we attach helps us understand our relationship patterns. This can help us understand what works and what might need to shift to have the relationships we desire.
We also work a lot with identifying emotions and communicating with our partners about what we need. We will walk through understanding and identifying what you need in relationships, setting healthy boundaries, and asking for what you need from your partner. In childhood, we may learn that it is not okay to have needs or that needs are unimportant.
However, expressing our needs is very vulnerable because it shows our partner what we need to feel loved, safe, and valued. Creating space for both of you to acknowledge, engage with, and enjoy attending to your own and your partner’s needs is a doorway into intimacy and love. Boundaries help protect us so that we feel safe opening up to expressing needs.
In tandem with creating intimacy, we will set you up with healthy communication and “fair fighting skills.” Healthy communication is being able to sit down with your partner and discuss anything without feeling threatened, threatening the relationship, or engaging in what the Gottmans, couples counselors, refer to as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – stonewalling, contempt, criticism, and defensiveness.
Fair fighting skills are not about not fighting because we will differ in our views and opinions about fighting. The Gottmans define successful argument resolution as simply understanding the other’s perspective. We sign up to co-create a life with someone.
In therapy, we do a deep dive into understanding your attachment, emotions, boundaries, patterns, and possibly some of your partner’s or your interactions with them or what keeps you from finding a partner. You will learn the skills you need to change patterns that don’t work for you, heal attachment wounds of the past, lean into your emotions, communicate in healthy ways, and be open to intimacy and connection.
Finally, you’ll be able to establish trust and closeness in your relationships. Once we have healed any relationship issues from the past, any attachment style issues, and learned how to communicate and fight fairly, you will most likely feel open to diving into exploring and creating a safe and loving connection. We establish this through date nights, constant use of fair fighting tools, and healthy boundaries to protect your space and time, and go after what you want when you are ready.
The relationships you desire are just a step away.
When I went through my separation, I vowed never to work with an individual therapist who didn’t have training and understanding of couples and long-term relationships. I have attended Gottman’s couples counseling training and undergone my own couples therapy. I consistently study attachment, how trauma affects relationships, Stan Tatkin, and other relationship experts to help inform my work with individuals. As a person who previously struggled with co-dependence, I work with the cycle of runner/chaser, twin-flame, and narcissism.
Life is too short not to love!
Call now for a free 20-minute consultation or to set up an appointment: (720) 295-6076.